Welcome to Wyrd conversations! I’m Samantha, the founder of Wyrd Coaching and the creator of Wyrd conversations. Recently I was reflecting on relationships, building them, avoiding them, breaking them, and all the angles in between. Human beings seek community, there is a lot of empirical data on this, human beings are community creatures that need a group. Granted there are always exceptions and outliers, however, the majority of us need to fit somewhere. It could be with others that don’t feel like they fit, or it could be with family, or with classmates, or with other hobbyists, even just by having a frenemy we still fit somewhere, in this case as someone’s nemesis but you get the point. We can go bigger, we
have a relationship with doctors and lawyers and teachers and coaches, we have them with lovers and enemies or rivals.
My point is that each of us is many things all at once, we are not just one thing. If you described yourself would you be your chosen gender? Your skin color? Your heritage? Your marital state? Your career? Your education? Your family? Your lack of family? Your hobby? Your passion? Your sexual orientation? Your skills? Some would depend on whom you were talking to but when it comes to a romantic relationship you are in a position to share all of that with just one person and hope you are accepted and vice versa. When done well and healthy it is akin to the family relationship in its intimacy level and vulnerability level.
In the dating world today it is really easy to just keep swiping. Saying you crave something real but you put no time into it, swiping away, interviewing potential partners via text, and discarding them just as quickly as you can swipe or block if they don’t meet your list of criteria. It can also go in the reverse, I see a lot of instant relationships happening, after a few nice chats and suddenly there is talk of love and life and who is giving what up for whom when two people have yet to meet face to face.
None of this is evil or bad. What it is though is a way to avoid intimacy. True intimacy and vulnerability. We can say we are trying when people ask why we are still single, but really we are often trying harder not to get hurt. For men, it is often wanting a woman to look like her pictures (so many filters!) and for women, it is often about not wanting to be attacked or stalked (sad but true). Yet it all boils down to reasons to keep things shallow and not put your true self out there for rejection or ridicule.
What if it is an opportunity to just be yourself in smaller stages? Be real with your answers, be real with your personal quirks, one step at a time. Stop trying to be something you aren’t (skip the filters – if you meet in person there aren’t filters!), stop being scary -guys no means no and calling a woman sweetie on the 2nd text is often unsettling. Take the time to earn your endearment nicknames! Take the time to find out how the other person responds to stress or the wait staff, or when something doesn’t go to plan. We can all put on a pretty show for a little while but when something goes wrong, true colors tend to start to bleed through. You may find a truly brave soul when you initially thought it was just another meet-up for a drink and a chat.
People can surprise us in wonderful ways! Yes, they can also do it in really craptastic ways, so don’t ignore your gut if it is screaming ‘danger, danger, Will Robinson’ – yes I’m showing my age with that one – but if we never give people the chance we will miss the wonderful surprises entirely. Even the surprises we give ourselves, like finding out we enjoy a person whom we didn’t think we would even get along with.
I challenge you to give yourself permission to take your time and be yourself in all of your relationships – yes that includes the one with yourself. Discover who you are and share a bit of that with the world around you. It may be a glorious surprise when instead of trying to be everything to everyone and failing – because that is an impossible situation - you encounter a person that accepts you as you are.
Have a Wyrd day!
SG